Peacock
Hello? Hello? Hello? Yeah, this is La-... Luke with UPS, how are you today? UPS? Yes. What can I do for you? We have, ah...four parcels for you, that we need to deliver by 5 o'clock, and I've been trying to get through, and I haven't been able to get through, 'till now. Five parcels from where? From Lithuania. Li-thuania? Yeah. Where part the hell is that? They're, ah...peacocks or something, I don't know what they are...but they're living, and, ah...it's quite a...big bundle'a parcels here, mister. Are you sure...are you sure you got the right person? Well, are you sure you don't, ah... want to just come down and just pick'em up, or...? No...I never ordered anything like that. But I need, ah...we need certified funds, like a money order, or a cashier's check, would be better. Oh, you mean...they charge money for this? Yes. Oh...well, you just well just keep it. Send it back. Well...can't... 'Cause I didn't order anything like that. Can't do'er. ''' Well, I didn't order anything like that. '''I'm sorry, can't do'er, it's, ah... I can't either! It's 1,450. I don't care if it's five cents, I didn't order anything... Freight is $85, per parcel...so that's, ah...$340, so you're looking about $1,800, today. Nope. Okay? I don't think I wanna do anything like that. Well, what's the credit card number, then? I don't have one of them. Mmm-hmm. I never have credit...credit card. Well, when the guys get there, they can just drive you up to the bank and you can withdraw some cash, or... laughs No, sir...you just forget it, dude. Peacocks, though. There's four of 'em. A peacock? Yeah. Four peacocks... Now, what the hell would I do with a peacock? I don't even have enough room for...for a cat! Well... Dogs! You wanna keep your cats away from these things, I can promise you that. Well, I'll tell you...you ain't gonna get nothin' like that from me! You'll... I...I refuse! It won't take that long, and, you know... I refuse! What part of 'no' don't you understand, señor? Well, we need the funds. I do, too. How about if we knocked it down to 1,700? Oh, what about if you just talked it down to 0 and keep it? Send it back where it come from, 'cause I don't need anything like that. You ain't gonna get no money from me! You wanna just settle it with sec-... I didn't order! Well, that's what you say. That's what I know! You wanna settle it with security officers, or...? I don't give a damn who you settle it with. Bring...make sure you have the right address and everything, dude. And the right person! Why? Because i don't order stuff like that. Is this...just a bunch of double talk, or what? I don't know! It...sounds like it from your part! I think you're pullin' my leg. Nope. I didn't order anything. And I ain't giving you nothin'. So you just...erase it all from your mind. Well, we need 1,800 in cash, coins or checks. ''' You ain't...I don't even have that kind of money! What the hell you talkin' about? '''Well, go and get it from your, ah...your bank. I don't have any money in the bank! What the hell, I don't even have a bank account! What the hell you talkin' about? Peacocks are not free. I didn't say...hey, what the hell do I want a peacock for? That's none of my concern. That, that...that, it...sure as hell is, because it ain't mine! I'll see you in the courtroom. We'll go to a j-... Then I'll countersue ya! We'll go to a jury trial. How's that sound? ...countersue ya! On what grounds? For lyin'! Cause I don't order shit like that! Don't...don't you understand that? Why in the hell would I order $1,800 worth of stuff when I only got...$500 in my, ah...in my pocket? Well, we need the $500. ' No, you ain't gettin' ''shit, dude! 'Peacocks cost a ''lot more than $500. Well, sell 'em to somebody! I'm sellin' 'em to you! ' No, you didn't! '''That's the thing you don't seem to get. ' No, no, no, no. laughs Well, you're...you're out of your crate, dude. Don't be tryin' to jive me! '''Why don't you... I'm too...I'm too old to be, ah...jived, dude. Why don't you stand out in your yard with the $500, and we'll pick it up? ''' You ain't gettin' nothin! '''Yeah, now listen to me, mister. You what? I'm about to get some peacocks going wild down at your house, in about five minutes. You...no, you're not! You're gonna have to take 'em back. I told you, I didn't order no goddamn thing like that! Peacock! ''' No peacock! No...cocks, no anything! '''It's like a duck, kinda. I know what a peacock is, dude! But I never ordered one. You ordered four! No! Better go to your bank and get the money...or try somebody else to jive, cause you're not'a jivin' me! You ain't jivin' these peacocks none, I can promise you that. To hell with you and your peacocks! That's all I got to say. Just cut me... Now, you stop callin' me, or I'll get the fuckin' law on you, dude. Why don't you cut me a check? Okey-dokey, I'll get...I'll call the call on your ass! I'll call the law on you for not writing me a check, when I need it. ''' laughs Yeah, well...you prove that I ordered that, and maybe we'll talk about it. '''Oh, I've got the proof, right here in my hand. No, you don't! The hell I don't! No, you don't! I got... You don't have my address, my name on there at all! My...your...my signature is not on your piece of paper, dude! It sure is! Yeah...bullshit. Now...just keep your fuckin' peacocks and leave me alone! Category:Animals Category:Special delivery Category:At your head Category:Calls to Delmo